Final edit before I post: It is going to take every ounce of strength not to delete this entire post...I just picked my eldest up from school who was hoping his dad would be picking him up, he said he prefered when his dad picked him up as he sometime ran with him, not like me who was big and fat...I have cried the whole way home.I dont write this for sympathy, i write this as a reminder to myself. As a motivator, my son meant no malace in what he said, but his honesty is still devestating....
So I dont know right now how this post will turn out, how honest I can actually be and how many times I will rewrite it...so bear with me. I think two things are obvious, first, I've already had a fairly long struggle with my weight and second, that there is still a fairly long struggle ahead...
I have mastered the art of looking in the mirror without actually seeing myself. Huh? I can look just enough to do my hair, or occationally put on mascara, but I never actually look, and never for longer that is totally neccessary. I'm terrified that the black hole that I so skillfully keep at bay would over come me in that extra moment looking in the mirror. The black hole of admitting how unhappy and unconfident I am with the way I look. With how dissapointed I am in myself for letting it get too far. The fear that I am setting a bad example for my children. The dread that my husband looks at me in a different way than when we met. And worst of them all that I wont be able to make the changes that I know I need to...
I wont bore you with the story of how I got here , there are so many of us who have our own stories, mine involved thyroid surgery, three children and comfort eating. I was going to post pictures of me before, but lets face it, I'm never going to get back to that 20something person or weight, I dont want to set unrealistic goals. I want to be healthy, I want to be someone my kids look at and respect, and yes, I want to weigh less too. I dont think I'll be able to admit my actual weight on here, for some reason that feels more personal than saying how much I have to loose. So I still need to loose somewhere between 4 - 5 st, I'm not sure what I'll be able to realistically maintain so I'll have to see when I get closer. Here is me at my heaviest, three months after my third was born, on one hand great memories, but i do cringe every time I look at the pictures of me.
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